redgreenfandomcom-20200215-history
Guest Elephant/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: ♪ if you go out in the woods tonight ♪ ♪ you're in for a big surprise ♪ ♪ if you go out in the woods tonight ♪ ♪ you won't believe your eyes ♪ ♪ because you'll see "the red green show" ♪ ...Starring canada's favorite outdoorsman, red green, obviously. And now here's the host of a happy circumstance -- well, you know, at least for me -- my uncle, and here he is -- red green! Thank you very much, harold. Thank you. Welcome to the show. We, uh, got a real good show for you tonight. Not like last week's show. I'm not blaming anyone. That wasn't my fault! Uh, this is harold. He's, uh, producer and director of the show. Which means I do a lot of this. [ keyboard clacking ] [ chuckles ] that's in lieu of content. Uncle red, I don't think you should blame me for what happened. Well, harold, you're the one who decided it'd be fun and outdoorsy to have a trained elephant on the show. [ clears throat ] folks, that elephant was not trained. The lodge looks good as new. How about the smell, harold? When does that go away? I think we should discuss something else. Let's go to another segment. Do an intro. Go. Now here's something else that harold is responsible for. Let's see how it smells. [ keyboard clacking ] one mistake. One little mistake. There was more than one, harold, and they weren't little. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ in the cool of the evening when the sun goes down ♪ ♪ that's when the bunch of us can be found ♪ ♪ down by the campfire like so many elves ♪ ♪ sittin' here, standin' there, scratchin' ourselves ♪ ♪ scratchin' ourselves, scratchin' ourselves ♪ ♪ alone or all in a bunch ♪ ♪ scratchin' ourselves, scratchin' ourselves ♪ ♪ be sure and wash your hands before lunch ♪ red: This week in the "handyman corner," uh, we're gonna show you how to solve the oil crisis. A good start is to go with a lightweight vehicle, uh, such as this one. Made entirely of wood, so she's not gonna rust out on you. And it's lightweight, uh, practical, simple, it's easy to park, excellent visibility, plus, it only takes one person, which should save a few marriages. With this unit, you, uh, steer it with your feet, which leaves your hands free to use as brakes. Now, of course, the next step on this one was to figure out what kind of a fuel-efficient engine I could use on this unit, and, uh, my first thought was the jet-x cubes. Those little cubes -- I used to use them on my model cars and my model boats and what have you. But I phoned the jet-x people, and they, uh, wouldn't sell it to me in a 200-pound block, so I had to come up with the next best thing... A fire extinguisher. So, what I do here is, uh, I can squeeze the trigger. That fires the extinguisher, and I'm holding the nozzle out the back, and away I go. I should be able to hit 30 or 40 mile an hour on a flat road, uh, putting out fires as I go. But as they say, the proof of the pudding is usually written on the label, so let's give her a try. [ air hissing ] [ hissing stops ] well, either I'm gonna have to lose some weight, or we're gonna have to up the horsepower of the engine. So, uh, what I've done is I've attached four fire extinguishers to the unit, and I've, uh, used the handyman's secret weapon here, duct tape, to position everything, and I've put a scarf on, as well, because, uh, this co2 gets pretty cold, and, uh... I wouldn't want to be driving down the highway, 78 mile an hour, with a frozen head. Anyway, I think we're all set, and I think I'll be saying goodbye now, just in case, so until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ exhales ] 3, 2, 1. We'll be right back with more of "the red green show," unless, of course, harold has booked another rampaging elephant this week. I'll have to check. Kidding. "it is winter. "what is that blowing sound, "blowing long and hard for months on end? "is it the cruel north wind? No, it's your kid's nose." anyway, as I was saying, if you missed last week's show, you're a very fortunate person. Had that elephant on. God, that was fun, wasn't it? I mean, mind you, we were planning to renovate the lodge anyway. We just didn't figure we'd have to rebuild it from the ground up. This show is about life here at the lodge, you know, with our regular guests and what have you, and... And how we ever ended up blindfolded and walking an elephant is beyond me. It was a seeing eye elephant. I'm sorry. I missed that. A seeing eye elephant. Like a seeing eye dog for blind people. Only this was a seeing eye elephant. He's the only one in the whole wide world. He's an endangered species. You should talk. Let's go to another clip. Tv viewers don't like to watch people talking. They like clips and multiple images and things like that. Introduce the next segment, uncle red. All right, uh, here's one of my favorite guests on the show. He's not gray, he doesn't have a trunk, and he knows what a bathroom is for. You'll never forgive me, will you? I'll forgive you when the smell disappears. You'll never forgive me, will you? Now, I'm out here on location again with dougie franklin, my good buddy, and his monster truck. And, dougie, this is one big, beautiful machine. Well, I'll tell you, red, it's got to be big. You know, for competition, if you're gonna crush cars, you need a big truck. But it's a sport. It's like any other sport. Like, uh...Tennis. Like jai alai, baseball, demolition derbies. You know, I'm a finely tuned athlete, as is my machine, and she's got to be big, and you never -- the thrill of competition is wonderful. You know what I mean? You just wonder how many cars you're gonna crush on a given day. It's a fabulous feeling. It's very now. It's very the '90s, actually. Yeah, and I think we should point out here, dougie, that, uh, we are not talking about a bunch of lunatics tearing around a shopping mall parking lot, flattening family sedans here. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You'd have a hard time getting insurance for that kind of thing, red. And, you know, a lot of families leave their pets in their vehicles when they go in to shop. Yeah. And it's a sad thing when you see a kitty stuck in the back window of one of them yuppie volvo wagons, just sweating on a hot day. Yeah. We don't want none of that. Also, it'd be very difficult charging admission to something like that. Yeah, I can see that. Now, it's because of this very -- I'm glad you brought this point up, red, because the international truck and tractor association, in cooperation with your fire department and, I believe, the spca was in there, they came up with the set of rules -- that's a good idea. Sure. I got a copy of it right here. You got the rules right here? I do. There they are there, now. That's it, doug? These are all the rules? Well, yeah, and then on the back, there, we got miss truck and tractor pull 1991, with an entire list of all the events for the year. My god. Yep, there's a lot of events. Doesn't seem like many rules. Well, I mean, I do have the rules memorized, if you want to go into this interview a little more in depth. Uh, would you care to do that? All right, yeah. All right, well, rule number one... Red, there's your rule number one. Everybody in this sport has got to wear a helmet. We're talking the drivers, we're talking the mechanics, and actually, we distribute helmets to the audience. The entire audience are all completely helmeted. Now, we also encourage the use of helmets at home for the viewers, as well. Now, rule number two -- very important rule, actually -- is no running over the people in the audience. You abuse that rule and people will quit coming. Actually, that sounds kind of vague. You know, that's more of a guideline to me. Well, red, it has to be... It has to be able to encompass monster trucks. They're not exact tools, in the sense of that meaning, because one of these babies goes over a big line of 1964 strato chiefs, you never know how one of these guys is gonna fall. See, it could tilt off to the side. Sure, yeah. She could flip right over, which is why you got these suckers here over your head. Or she could just roll up near some people and just blow up into a million pieces. And I'll tell you, if something like that happened, you'd be mighty glad you was wearing your helmet. Yeah. So you just have the two rules? Oh, no, there's rule number three, actually, which is, if you kill anybody, you got to stick around till the police show up. There's a big story behind that one. Yeah. But, you know, if I could be serious just for a minute... Red, since I've been in this sport, I have met probably some of the finest human beings I've ever come across, and some of their trucks are even better. Maybe you monster-truckers have got it made, eh, doug? I tell you, right off the bat, red, I can't think of anything that would be more fun. Well, you're a bachelor, aren't you, doug? Yeah. Okay, well, that's dougie franklin and his monster truck, proving that size does matter, to some guys, anyway. What's wrong with that bachelor business? [ spoons and guitar playing ] hoo hoo! ♪ I remember the day when the railroad was king ♪ ♪ the big wheels made rolling thunder ♪ ♪ we were treated like freight and arriving seven hours late ♪ ♪ I'm personally glad they're all going under ♪ oh, uncle red, how excellent. I was just about to tell the viewers that you were gonna answer their mail in your own inimitable way. My what? Your own inimitable way. What does that mean? What does that mean? You've never heard of the word "inimitable"? You never heard that before? Well, I've heard it before. I just never knew what it meant. Aren't you at all curious what it meant? Didn't you think to go look it up in a dictionary? You don't know what it means, either, do you? Yes, I do. I looked it up. It means... Recherche. Okay? Our first letter today asks for some advice from you, uncle red. It says, "dear red, "I'm in the market for a new car, or new to me. "I like used cars. I guess I'm a bit of a fishy auto." aficionado "fishy auto"? [ chuckles ] what does that mean? It means you can't afford a new car. Oh, well, how recherche. "any tips for the potential car buyer?" all right, this is a good one, harold. I think when you're buying a used car, intimidation is the key. Oh. Don't just walk around the car kicking the tires, okay? Kick the fenders, kick the door panels, kick the headlights in, kick the dashboard. What? What are you doing when you do that? Well, you're trying to get the cost of the car down, and a car with kick marks all over it has got to be overpriced. Oh, so I guess we can assume then the proper footwear is required. Absolutely. I'd say that proper footwear is a key, as the intimidation is. And another thing is you want to ask if you can take it for a test-drive. If they say no, I'd wonder about that. And they have tricks, harold. I know when I bought my truck, they had scotch-taped a couple of extra spark plugs onto the engine to try to convince me that the v-6 was a v-8. But I caught onto it. Oh, yeah? How'd you do that? Well, they fell off when I kicked the engine. Oh. So kicking is important. Well, it shows that you knows cars. You can even kick the salesman if you have to. Oh, no, no. I think you've gone over the top on that one. We do not want to advocate violence. [ chuckles ] yeah, well, all right, all right. Then don't kick the salesman. You know, but... You might want to check the instrument panel. If you look at the odometer and you see a bunch of marks from a claw hammer and it's a 10-year-old car with, say, 19 miles on it, I'd question that. Yeah, that's really good advice. That's something to remember. Yeah. Uncle red, I was -- is there, like, a good time or a bad time to buy a car? Yeah. Never buy a car at 3:00 in the morning. All right. How about north american cars versus domestic cars. No, I mean -- [ laughs ] I mean, japanese cars versus imported -- no, that's -- all right, I got it. With the japanese cars, you get more features, but with the american cars, you get more metal. And when you think about it, we're all gonna have head-on collisions now and then, so you're better to give up the power sunroof and go with a little more momentum. I hope that answers all our viewer's questions. Yeah, and don't forget to kick everything. [ film projector clicking ] red: We have our outdoor expert bill with us this week. Oh. And, uh, gonna teach us about -- I think he's just fooling around there. ...Gonna teach us about canoeing and the various techniques to use for the beginning canoer. 'cause you know, in these days, when the cost of gas there and the cast of gos and all that stuff is so high. Now, this is a paddle measurement technique. You want the paddle to come up to about your chin. So, one's too short and one's too tall, so, uh, bill comes up with a solution to that problem. Uh, maybe not the ideal solution, but a solution, nonetheless. And...That one was fine anyway. So, it all worked out. We have lots of paddles. And now he's gonna show you how to get into a canoe. Now, I think a lot of what bill does is he shows you, you know, the wrong... The wrong way to do things. Uh, I think he knew that was coming, but he's okay. No problem. And then, what he wants -- now he's showing you how to get in from the side. That was the end shot. This is the side shot. But, uh, here, again, I don't -- I think bill -- yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure he meant to -- he meant to do that. He just looked like he was panicking. That's all there. It was just all for effect, I think. And now bill's gonna show you an interesting way to get in, which is the running-start, kind of reminiscent of wild bill hickok, you know? And that way, you're on your way. Unfortunately, he forgot to take a paddle. But I'm there. I can -- well... [ clears throat ] I mean, I was doing my best. It's hard to estimate, 'cause he's moving. You know, it's tough. I got a bit closer with this one. Oh. Oh, my gosh. Anyway, he brings the canoe back in, and we now have a week's supply of drinking water. And, well, we'll clean that up later on. Don't worry about that. So now bill's gonna show us the various paddling techniques now, and what you want to do -- you stick your right arm out there, and then grip it right where it gets fat, you know? Reminds me of a date I was on one time, but anyway -- and then put the other hand over the end, and... No, no, there's something wrong here. No, that doesn't -- no, that doesn't look right, either. Turnabout's fair play. And now he's just using the dock to show you just a prac-- oh. Oh, my gosh. We do go through a lot of paddles in a season. But eventually, it gets to the point where the student, you know, has to have his first solo flight, and I was pretty excited about this one. I think I was doing a heck of a job. I didn't hit the dock. I got moving pretty good there, you know? I was quite proud. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh. You know, in retrospect, I think bill should have taught me how to turn this thing around, too. Oh, well. He's fine. "it is winter. "your breath forms huge clouds "that billow out and block your face. "hot air, thick and swirling. That's what you get for eating skunk." uh, every week, we have harold here come up with a viewpoint, give you some insight on what the young people of today are thinking about, and... That's probably not the worst thing you'll ever see on television. Okay, okay. Ha. Pixy stix. I remember one time, when I was a little boy, right, I read in the back of a comic book you could order all these pixy stix. You know what they are, right? They're like -- okay, pixy stix are like straws, and they're closed at both ends, but they're filled with powdered sugar and flavor crystals, and you just go -- slurps -- you just suck all the powder out of them, right? They're excellent. They really are. They're really good. And I read in a book that you could order like 1,000 of them for 10 bucks. Great deal, right? So I get my best friend -- well, okay, I get my only friend, larry gorman -- so, him and I, we get together, right, and we figure, "hey, what a perfect cause to dedicate our lives to while waiting to mature." so we do this. And then we save all our money. Oh, wait a sec. Wait. No, we had money. We just ordered them. Oh, yeah. We just ordered them. And about a month later, we got this box from racine, wisconsin. We open it up -- w-a-a! -- 1,000 pixy stix! Ah! Bonus day or what, right? So we start eating all these things. We're just -- slurps -- sucking all the sugar out of them, like, our faces are all puckered and everything. It was great. We kept doing this until I got sick, and he hyperventilated an entire lung of powdered sugar. What a great day. [ chuckles ] well, there's no real point to the story. I just wanted to relate that to you. I probably should have sung or something, eh? Dumbo and I will be right back. He only calls me that 'cause I work for peanuts. [ laughs ] lighten up. You know, I got the outboard overhauled the other day, and when I went to pick it up, a young fella, he had an earring. Oh, yeah, I know him. Guy with a little stud or a jewel or something. I don't mean him. I mean the earring. Yeah. What is with that? That's fashion. That's the best. Is that a sexual-orientation thing, or...? I think not. It just says you're really cool and above stereotyping. It's wonderful. Pirates used to wear them, and would you confront a pirate in a dark alley? Pirates had earrings? Oh, yes. Some of them -- but most of them were clip-ons because, you know, you'd have to go out on the weekend, you don't want everybody to see the hole in your ear. Well, that's it. What do you do when you have to go to a family event like a funeral or something? Well, you put a fancy one in. You wouldn't wear just anything. You'd have to wear diamonds to go with the suit or a pearl. You mean that you're telling me that an earring is not a female, uh... Not necessarily, no. I was thinking of getting one. Really? Yeah, I was playing with your stud setter the other day. And I pierced my finger. I thought, "well, wouldn't that look silly -- an earring on my finger." well, you sure don't need another hole in your head. Well, anyway, I really hate to drag family arguments into my television show, but I'm sorry. We just, uh, have somebody here who has to be taught a lesson. Harold, come on over here. Now, harold, I know that you think I'm making a real big to-do out of this elephant thing and that you think I'm mean and I'm just doing it to ridicule you, make you cry on television, that kind of thing. And I know you think I should just lighten up and maybe -- maybe what you did wrong -- and believe me, there was plenty of it -- maybe you thought you were doing the best thing for the show. Maybe what you did was out of maybe caring about your work. And, uh, I know that you like me. I know you're very fond of me, harold, and I know that you look up to me and you really respect, uh, my judgment. So I've decided to kind of just let it go as a warning at this point, harold. But I want you to remember what happened here, and from now on, I want you to come to me before you make these big decisions, all right? I will, yeah. Thanks very much, uncle red. Okay, now I'm only doing this because you promised me that you weren't the ones who gave the laxatives to the elephant, right? That's right! That's right! Wasn't me. That's right. All right, so, if my wife is watching, uh, thank you for taping the show tonight, and when I come home, I'm gonna stay up a bit late, and I'm going to watch this part back, and if I see harold laughing behind me, he is dead meat. So, on behalf of myself and what is probably harold's last show and the whole gang up here at the lodge, until next time, keep your stick on the ice.